I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
