I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
