MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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