I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
