I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
