doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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