Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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