John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
