will power is for people who don't want to get laid
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
