In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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