I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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