Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
