it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
