You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
