dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
