I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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