I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
His hands were made for my vagina.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
