She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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