I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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