my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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