I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
