i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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