you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
