we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
