This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
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you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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