The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
