fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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