its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
