I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
