Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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