my shit smells like andre
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
