dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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