i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
