I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
