I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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