I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
