so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
