Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
