If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
