When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
