i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
