Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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