My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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