just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
