if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
