I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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