I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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