After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
