the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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