The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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