I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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