Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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