My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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